family matters

Heyaa! Lately I`ve been hearing and thinking a LOT about families - my family, my friends familes and friends who become like second family to me. I`ve been talking to many people abobut this subject and it is so often so heartbreaking... I hear stories about mothers not talking with daughters, brothers hating their sisters, daughters avoiding their mothers, sons disrespecting their fathers, fathers ignoring their daughters, mothers abusing their sons for protecting them, sisters giving up on their brothers, sons being annoyed by their parents and other just heartbreaking stories. It really makes me wonder what is going on with people and the world... Family - that`s the strongest bond there for a person - your parents, who gave you your life, your siblings, who teach you to accept the people around you for whoever they are if only there is that love, your grandparents, cause they just treasure you, your children - there is no comment necessary for why your children are that special to you. That is family. But then what is going on with people? Those fights, conflicts, unresolved issues, spite and often just misunderstandings...It`s leaving so many people alone and lonely, and confused. Just lost in their lives with seemingly no place to go. But that is not true. If people would stand up to their issues and face them instead of avoiding them or keeping them in the heart and just putting them on shelf for safe-keeping for forever, so many people would be so much more happy. With so many more people to go to and be safe with. I think in so many people there is that pain inside and that ache inside, that just keep crunching on their hearts and mind. And some of the issues are definitely when talking about me too. But then again... I remember my childhood with just freakin` amazing Christmases, birthdays, midsummer festivals and just simple garden joint works on a summer day with mom making pancakes with jam for dinner for all. That feeling of being together with people who love you and who you love - that is the real happiness. Love should be ingredient in everything. I can`t imagine my life without that ingredient in everything. That is how my childhood was - happy with a big family around, with love around, with people who took care of me and I took care of them in our own ways. And I loved that so much. And recently I have understood that I don`t have that happy and loving part in my life at the moment. And what is worse, it is my own fault. And I want to change that again. I want to take that back. Take back it is mine and what is available to take. They are my family and I love them. And I miss that bond between us again. And I feel it`s my fault for a big part. And I have tried to push some issues away. Just to push my own life forward. but maybe it is time for me to understand that my own life is connected with my family, and a very big part of it. I miss that support, that relationship in both ways. And now my own personal life I tried to push so hard forward has made me no choice but to face my own issues and to take that part back in life. And fix it. And see myself in that good point in the future again - with big family Christmases, birthdays, midsummer festivals and just simple garden joint works on a summer day with mom making pancakes with jam for dinner for all.  If I don`t fix things now, there will not be that future... It is time!

BOOM

BOOM! And I`m here again. BOOM! <-- it happens so often in our lives. And so many different explosions and bombs. In everything. Sometimes seems like I am going in a field of mines without knowing it. Until I hear the warning `click` and I know it`s already too late to avoid the BOOM!. BOOM! and I fall down flat on the back. BOOM! and a great couple splits up all of a sudden. BOOM! and you loose your job. BOOM! and you loose your friend. BOOM! and you wake up understanding that you need help. BOOM! and another night bursting in tears on a friends shoulder. BOOM! and BOOM! and BOOM! and I could continue like this for a long time... My head gets dizzy from all the explosions around! I need some meadow where to walk in a field of flowers and see some butterflies cuddling together. Need some balance. Not bombs and mines all the time.

hermit

Hermit - a person who lives, to some degree, in seclusion from society. In modern colloquial usage, the term "hermit" denotes anyone living a life apart from the rest of society, or who simply does not participate in social events as much as is common, regardless of their motivation in doing so, including the misanthrope.

To dream of a hermit, denotes sadness and loneliness caused by the unfaithfulness of friends. If you are a hermit yourself, you will pursue researches into intricate subjects, and will take great interest in the discussions of the hour. To find yourself in the abode of a hermit, denotes unselfishness toward enemies and friends alike.

pensieve

Heyaa, my little pensieve of thoughts! Loads of thinking has been going on lately again. Although - it seems there is always lots of thinking with me. Maybe sometimes too much. Too much worries and tension from nothing. I have had many people telling me that I have to take things easier and not be so hard on myself for things that have been in the past. Just to let go and be happy me. Am I doing that? - No! Do I want to do that? - Yes! This brings me back to all the previous posts I have in this blog already. There is nothing else I can say about that all, I guess. But there are some things that have been in my mind for a little while now. That is my slow understanding that probably most of the people around me have been right. Maybe not all the time, but recently yes. And with this I mean that maybe I really am wasting my life lately. I really don`t do anything much. And in my mind I have my reasons that were really valid for a while before, but when I think about that now - they kind of seem just excuses. But the fact is - I am still not really ready to kick the life alive again. And now it is more for other reasons than before - now it is my uncertainty of myself and my strength, now it`s the shame I have for my avoidance, my lack of experience, my thoughts that I am just not good enough, that I will fail, that I will let my beloved people down again. And I can`t really say these things out loud to anyone.

the beach

There is something special about a beach. It has always triggered me in some ways that other things can`t. It`s a place, where peace comes to me and finds me, and not me looking for it in every corner. I love the world and its nature and I often feel amazed by forests, meadows and even by little towns or big beautiful cities. But nothing of it speaks to me more than a beach. And somehow beach has been around me most of my life. My whole life I`ve had a summerhouse very close to the beach, where I`ve spent most of my summers when I was a kid. The beach was a party-spot and meeting point to enjoy some time with friends and play some beach volley a little. When I moved to Denmark, the first two years I was living close to the beach and had an escape there every time I missed home in Latvia or felt alone. The beach was bringing me up and refreshing me every time I came close to it. And so now again I live one refreshing run away from the beach. And it is my temple of peace and thinking. The beach definitely opens me up a lot. Like today...

Roller coaster

It`s really a roller coaster lately! There are days of highs and lows all the time. They exchange and turn as they want and sometimes leave me confused somewhere in the middle without understanding of what is coming next. Seems that my mind is playing some cruel games with me. There are these moments where I think I am finally free of the things I`ve had before and that it is finally the time to start fresh and then the next day again all my courage is gone and fear and uncertainty is taking place again. I feel ready to just leave the past where it should be - in the past and move on. I WANT to do that, but it keeps crawling back. I wish I could google some instructions of how to just put it all in one thick and heavy ball and roll it off my shoulders. To put there all the bitterness and disappointments I`ve had in my young life so far and keep looking forward all the time.

I`m thinking...

Here I am. Sitting in my room alone with candlelight and listening my favorite pieces of music and just thinking...   Thinking how the hell did I get to this. With no vision of life and just living for a moment after moment with no expectations, hoping that there would come a day when I suddenly see the reason in all. Feel the power in me again. Know that I can DO something about something!!! But how to reach it? I soooooo want to feel that reason in me again! I even think I am ready to start kicking it off and be really living again, but where is the motivation in me for that? Even if I know it is my life and I have to live it the best way I can, I still know that one day I will fall again and be hurt again. Sounds stupid I guess... Of course, everyone falls sometimes... But I just hoped there would be at least one thing in my life I could depend on. But nothing really is...

under pressure

All deadlines are coming closer. Deadlines for choosing studies again, deadlines to find another job before I run out of money, deadlines of trying others patience of keeping up with me, deadlines to live my life.

I feel the pressure of those deadlines every day. I wake up with all of them on my shoulders and I go to sleep trying to push them in a corner of my mind so I can sleep. It`s in my head all the time. Even when I feel happy and good I still have that guilty feeling in me, that at this time I could have made some decisions, could have done some changes, some actions. But instead I just act silly and careless. I guess I understand why people would say I am irresponsible, childish or lazy... It must look stupid me wasting my "best years" in this non-sense and hiding from all. But I don`t think I am lazy or irresponsible, or childish. I KNOW (as it is me we are talking about) that I am just confused and afraid. I am afraid to move on and move away. I am afraid to fall again. That is something different than laziness. I WANT to move and do. I just don`t know where and how, and when. Maybe I need to find some confidence or self-belief first. But it is hard to find them too, when I am just hiding and afraid. And I can`t do it all, because I don`t have them. For me it is like a closed circle with no point to cut it off and do a change. Oh well... Maybe I COULD do a change, if I would be brave enough, which I am not.

fallen star

This is how I see my situation at the moment. Might sound a bit dramatic, but 2 days ago this thought came into my mind and I`ve been playing around with it in my head for a while and now I thought maybe I should put it down on the paper to get rid of it. So here it is...

When I look back on my past a few years back, I see myself as very comfortable with myself, sure about my view of the world, sure of the fact that I am just in wrong place and that I just need to look a little bit and I`ll find MY place in this world. I was sure, my character would bring me forward and my friends and loved ones would be my bounce back on the track if something goes wrong on the way. I felt different from others, but at the same time still accepted, respected, interesting and equal to others. Like one shining star among all others in the same sky. And just like the stars in the sky I think I fell somewhere sometimes. When I was fallen down at first it was a dark place where I was. No light at all. Not even other stars in the sky. But then slowly I moved into a slightly better place. And now I feel like I am lying in the grass in a comfortable garden in a night and just observing the other stars shining. It seems that they are so damn far away and that there is no way I can get back to there and shine with them. And so I keep lying there. Observing other stars. I know I was once with them up there and shining too, but it`s just gone now. I am down here and they are up there. And it`s not that I don`t want to shine again and be up there again. I do and I am not lazy, but it`s just that in my mind there is no way to get back there again. Nothing is the same again. I am not the same again. I fell. I stopped shining. And it is not really bad in the grass down here. It is nice, calm, settled, quiet. And I have my time to observe other stars. But still... There is that thought in me to want to get back up there. I remember how happy, how comfortable I felt in my own skin when being up there. I remember the feeling of being equal and appreciated - they are good feelings to have.