under pressure

All deadlines are coming closer. Deadlines for choosing studies again, deadlines to find another job before I run out of money, deadlines of trying others patience of keeping up with me, deadlines to live my life.

I feel the pressure of those deadlines every day. I wake up with all of them on my shoulders and I go to sleep trying to push them in a corner of my mind so I can sleep. It`s in my head all the time. Even when I feel happy and good I still have that guilty feeling in me, that at this time I could have made some decisions, could have done some changes, some actions. But instead I just act silly and careless. I guess I understand why people would say I am irresponsible, childish or lazy... It must look stupid me wasting my "best years" in this non-sense and hiding from all. But I don`t think I am lazy or irresponsible, or childish. I KNOW (as it is me we are talking about) that I am just confused and afraid. I am afraid to move on and move away. I am afraid to fall again. That is something different than laziness. I WANT to move and do. I just don`t know where and how, and when. Maybe I need to find some confidence or self-belief first. But it is hard to find them too, when I am just hiding and afraid. And I can`t do it all, because I don`t have them. For me it is like a closed circle with no point to cut it off and do a change. Oh well... Maybe I COULD do a change, if I would be brave enough, which I am not.

fallen star

This is how I see my situation at the moment. Might sound a bit dramatic, but 2 days ago this thought came into my mind and I`ve been playing around with it in my head for a while and now I thought maybe I should put it down on the paper to get rid of it. So here it is...

When I look back on my past a few years back, I see myself as very comfortable with myself, sure about my view of the world, sure of the fact that I am just in wrong place and that I just need to look a little bit and I`ll find MY place in this world. I was sure, my character would bring me forward and my friends and loved ones would be my bounce back on the track if something goes wrong on the way. I felt different from others, but at the same time still accepted, respected, interesting and equal to others. Like one shining star among all others in the same sky. And just like the stars in the sky I think I fell somewhere sometimes. When I was fallen down at first it was a dark place where I was. No light at all. Not even other stars in the sky. But then slowly I moved into a slightly better place. And now I feel like I am lying in the grass in a comfortable garden in a night and just observing the other stars shining. It seems that they are so damn far away and that there is no way I can get back to there and shine with them. And so I keep lying there. Observing other stars. I know I was once with them up there and shining too, but it`s just gone now. I am down here and they are up there. And it`s not that I don`t want to shine again and be up there again. I do and I am not lazy, but it`s just that in my mind there is no way to get back there again. Nothing is the same again. I am not the same again. I fell. I stopped shining. And it is not really bad in the grass down here. It is nice, calm, settled, quiet. And I have my time to observe other stars. But still... There is that thought in me to want to get back up there. I remember how happy, how comfortable I felt in my own skin when being up there. I remember the feeling of being equal and appreciated - they are good feelings to have.