hard

Hey, so here I am again. I am really happy I got back to writing this blog. This time just it is all about my inside and not my daily routine as it was in the beginning. And now, in the time when I don`t have so many people with who to talk to about these things, at least not so many who would understand how I feel, this is my way out to express it all and put in words. I just hope that after a while I will be looking back on these posts and see that this all has made me stronger and better in life and not the other way around.

This time I want to talk about all my fights inside. How I am disappointed in myself and how hard it is to change that. How hard it is to live when you know you don`t trust your own decisions anymore. My big independent life went completely another way than I expected it to go... It seems that I have made all wrong decisions I could possibly do. Starting with wrong studies, wrong job-search plan, maybe wrong country, wrong relationship and now even wrong attitude about it all... I`m just all wrong. I can`t stop thinking that I had the power to change my life at the time, but I had no guts and no strength to do so. I just wish I could have followed my heart more. With being so romantic and so much into fantasy I had to know better than to stick with known but explore options and follow heart wherever it takes. If I didn`t like the studies - I had to stop going there on spot and look for something I liked better. If I didn`t like my job - I should`ve believed in myself and tried to look for something better, that I can do it. And as for last - I should`ve understood that people don`t grow into attitudes I wish they would just because I have feelings for them. I should`ve known better to take a chance I had than to settle for something I knew and hope it`s gonna improve. It seems I chose a wrong fairy-tale to follow - not the one with perfect fit, but the one with first love.

turning page

http://youtu.be/VKBfsz3P7Us

This post is my promise to myself. By posting this I promise to myself to save and protect my heart from pain and tears until I meet a man who loves me like this song above talks about love. I know that I am worth it. And I know that there is a true love story and a real man for me somewhere. Here is what I know about me and what I will never change, because this is who I am - I have a good heart. I am a good person. I like helping people. I like laughing and my laugh is very often too loud, but always sincere. I think I have nice eyes. I love my family. I like Disney movies. I don`t think Americans are stupid. I like playing World of Warcraft. I like fantasy and epic movies. I believe in true love. I often cry at movies. Christmas is my all time favourite holiday!!! But I have traditions in almost all holidays and I like to stick to my traditions :D I don`t drink beer. And I have never been smoking. I like water-pipe tho. I have four best girlfriends in the world! And they know all about me and support me in everything. I am a dog-person. Volleyball will always be my Nr.1 sport! And the Red Cross and Red Cross Youth will always be the most positive place in the world to put the efforts in. I love going to cinema. I also love travelling around whether it is city, country or the world. And when I am in relationship - I give it my all. I don`t like being an accessory or a "more than friends" kind of person - if I am in relationship - it is because I consider the other person my extension. Because I love him with all I have and I love everything about him. And that is what I want to be to the other person. I know that there is a man who will love me for who I am and love every bit of me. And I will love him the same and even more. Because that is who I am.