pensieve

Heyaa, my little pensieve of thoughts! Loads of thinking has been going on lately again. Although - it seems there is always lots of thinking with me. Maybe sometimes too much. Too much worries and tension from nothing. I have had many people telling me that I have to take things easier and not be so hard on myself for things that have been in the past. Just to let go and be happy me. Am I doing that? - No! Do I want to do that? - Yes! This brings me back to all the previous posts I have in this blog already. There is nothing else I can say about that all, I guess. But there are some things that have been in my mind for a little while now. That is my slow understanding that probably most of the people around me have been right. Maybe not all the time, but recently yes. And with this I mean that maybe I really am wasting my life lately. I really don`t do anything much. And in my mind I have my reasons that were really valid for a while before, but when I think about that now - they kind of seem just excuses. But the fact is - I am still not really ready to kick the life alive again. And now it is more for other reasons than before - now it is my uncertainty of myself and my strength, now it`s the shame I have for my avoidance, my lack of experience, my thoughts that I am just not good enough, that I will fail, that I will let my beloved people down again. And I can`t really say these things out loud to anyone.

I am ashamed of feeling ashamed and for showing my weaknesses to others. Even to people I trust. It is so vulnerable to show to others that I am so weak. It opens me up to hurt again. And if I let someone in that inner little scared and uncertain me I would hope for encouragement, support, understanding and help. I am so tired of people telling me that I am doing all wrong, that I am wasting, that I am making mistakes, that I am wrong... That is not a starter for me to move on and get things going. That is just proof that I am no good. And I don`t want to be no good. In fact, I KNOW that I am for some use inside somewhere, but I know I need some help to get it all out. And I don`t know where to get that help. And there I have a little fight with myself again. Cause even if I know I need some help, cause with being in this alone for more than 1 year now, I haven`t gotten far, but also I am feeling guilty and think it`s unfair to the other to want so much help and support, when I can give so little in return now. That is an inner fight for me too - just to trust someone so much and let him/her guide my way out of this. I know I can`t do this alone.

Which brings to another topic I`ve been thinking lately. And that is the status that has intrigued me a little lately. "Looking for relationship". I wonder if I will ever say those words about me. I think not. At least - as long as I have certain assumption about it - in my mind this status tells that someone is in search for someone with a reason to find the right person in that search. Would I really do that sometimes? I mean - yes, I am pretty lonely lately and I do miss having a person to rely on and just to be in his arms in the long evenings with candles around and all, but would I really do a process of "looking for" and searching in particular? Well - I am not doing that now, that`s for sure. But that doesn`t matter I can`t stumble upon My Guy. So far in my life I`ve never had to "look for" anything - I just have had them appear in my life and do the impressions on me - my friends, my guys from before. None of them I was ever "looking for". I don`t really know if that is the right way for me to go with people with a checklist and see is someone matches all the attributes at the time when I have decided to fill the blank on my life. That would mean that I can order my life the way I want it to go and settle. And that is what I understand that I could never do. There are so many unpredictable things in life, that I don`t think I can plan the right time to find the right person. Wouldn`t it be a waste to find the right fit for you and just be so happy in everyday life but just leave it be, cause it`s not the right time? I mean... In my mind - time with the right person is always better time than time alone. Yes, you can be busy, you can have other things going on or have some other issues, but I don`t think they should be any reason to intentionally prevent yourself of meeting and being with the person you want to meet or be with. Isn`t it a fact, that if you`re happy and positive and energized, then more things would go better? For me that is completely true. The more happier and positive I am, the more things I can do and more influence I can make on others. And so the circle goes - the other person influences me to be positive and energized and I do the same to others and they do it to other and so the wheel goes on and on. And the results of actions done by energized and charged people usually prove to be more impressive than from more lonely people who have less energy.

So I think what I was saying just here above, about whole "looking for relationship" thing, is that I don`t think I would ever LOOK for relationship as in looking for a lover, cause, firstly, I don`t think you can plan the time in your life to actually search for the right person. I believe that you would just stumble upon the right guy without even looking for him. I really think so. And I really hope I would not miss that chance just because I have work to do or some other activities to do. If I am free, then I don`t see a reason really to avoid spending time with a person I really feel good with. That doesn`t take freedom away. In my eyes, being in relationship just makes freedom more enjoyable. And cuts off the loneliness in your life - why would anyone say 'no' to that?! Besides - the status says - looking for relationship. Isn`t friendship also relationship? Does the word itself - relationship - doesn`t refer to the trust, enjoyable moments, laughs, stories, understanding, reliability and support? In my mind that is exactly what is relationship. And it can be with friends, family or lovers - these are things that relationships require. And if these things are added with deeper understanding, sexual attractiveness and desire to spend as much time as possible in the others company, then that relationship can grow into being lovers.

Alright. Somehow ran out of words just here. It might be that I somehow couldn`t say things exactly to be easy to understand this time, but it still was another try to fix myself by saying my thoughts out loud. And let it out of the system and mind. This really feels like a little pensieve of mine to get back to once in a while to see what was going on my mind sometimes.

See you next time!
Santa :)