santasmile

hard

2011-12-19T11:53:00.000-08:00

Hey, so here I am again. I am really happy I got back to writing this blog. This time just it is all about my inside and not my daily routine as it was in the beginning. And now, in the time when I don`t have so many people with who to talk to about these things, at least not so many who would understand how I feel, this is my way out to express it all and put in words. I just hope that after a while I will be looking back on these posts and see that this all has made me stronger and better in life and not the other way around.

This time I want to talk about all my fights inside. How I am disappointed in myself and how hard it is to change that. How hard it is to live when you know you don`t trust your own decisions anymore. My big independent life went completely another way than I expected it to go... It seems that I have made all wrong decisions I could possibly do. Starting with wrong studies, wrong job-search plan, maybe wrong country, wrong relationship and now even wrong attitude about it all... I`m just all wrong. I can`t stop thinking that I had the power to change my life at the time, but I had no guts and no strength to do so. I just wish I could have followed my heart more. With being so romantic and so much into fantasy I had to know better than to stick with known but explore options and follow heart wherever it takes. If I didn`t like the studies - I had to stop going there on spot and look for something I liked better. If I didn`t like my job - I should`ve believed in myself and tried to look for something better, that I can do it. And as for last - I should`ve understood that people don`t grow into attitudes I wish they would just because I have feelings for them. I should`ve known better to take a chance I had than to settle for something I knew and hope it`s gonna improve. It seems I chose a wrong fairy-tale to follow - not the one with perfect fit, but the one with first love.

I try to back myself up with reasons that I was and still am very young. Young people do mistakes, right? Important is to learn from them. I hope I have learned to follow my heart more. And if my heart tells me to do some changes - I should follow that. And I think I should work on looking forwards, and not backwards. There ain`t much I can change about past, but there is everything I can change in the future. Therefore, my New Years determination and promise to myself is to stand back up on my feet and keep fighting again. It has been a WHOLE YEAR now when I`ve been down for one or another reason. I am so sick of feeling bad. I want to be the sunshine again, I was 2 years ago. I really miss that happy feeling. And I know it is only me that can change it back again. So I have to do something about it. I`m gonna look for another job, gonna apply for studies again, gonna go out with people more, gonna go to travel somewhere alone, just to have the feeling how it is to be alone (not that I want to get used to being alone, but so I can try to love myself a little bit more and to trust myself a little bit more). There is a lot of work to do next year. And as much I wish I wouldn`t have to do it alone, I guess it is something I have to learn how to do. I gotta start believing that there are no fairy-tales in real life. I just have to find a way where it can feel as close as possible to it.

I just re-read everything I wrote up here. And it makes me feel sad. I just hope I can change it all next year. I just hope that I have strength, belief and heart big enough to change all I hope I will. Because all that you have is your soul .

turning page

2011-12-13T12:56:00.000-08:00

http://youtu.be/VKBfsz3P7Us

This post is my promise to myself. By posting this I promise to myself to save and protect my heart from pain and tears until I meet a man who loves me like this song above talks about love. I know that I am worth it. And I know that there is a true love story and a real man for me somewhere. Here is what I know about me and what I will never change, because this is who I am - I have a good heart. I am a good person. I like helping people. I like laughing and my laugh is very often too loud, but always sincere. I think I have nice eyes. I love my family. I like Disney movies. I don`t think Americans are stupid. I like playing World of Warcraft. I like fantasy and epic movies. I believe in true love. I often cry at movies. Christmas is my all time favourite holiday!!! But I have traditions in almost all holidays and I like to stick to my traditions :D I don`t drink beer. And I have never been smoking. I like water-pipe tho. I have four best girlfriends in the world! And they know all about me and support me in everything. I am a dog-person. Volleyball will always be my Nr.1 sport! And the Red Cross and Red Cross Youth will always be the most positive place in the world to put the efforts in. I love going to cinema. I also love travelling around whether it is city, country or the world. And when I am in relationship - I give it my all. I don`t like being an accessory or a "more than friends" kind of person - if I am in relationship - it is because I consider the other person my extension. Because I love him with all I have and I love everything about him. And that is what I want to be to the other person. I know that there is a man who will love me for who I am and love every bit of me. And I will love him the same and even more. Because that is who I am.

Single. How can I ever get used to being single when I want to be important to someone. I feel that empty space in my heart that aches to be filled with emotions. It really hurts many times a day! For more than five years that space was filled. But now it`s gone. There is just a hole. Yesterday was the loneliest and the most painful day I have ever had in my whole life. what a birthday... Turning 22 and knowing that there is nobody can call and ask to come and meet me just because I don`t want to be alone. That was so painful, to know that I am alone. Single. There is SO MUCH I can give. I know it. And I so want to be loved. To be important to someone. To know that I exist and that there WILL be someone supporting me, cheering with me, laughing with me, surprising me, knowing me, amazing me, loving me no matter what happens. And just because I am me and he is him. A perfect fit. And I don`t want to settle for anything else. Just two weirdos who found each other and fell hopelessly in love for forever. And I don`t care if that seems naive or unreal - I know that it is all in my heart and that somewhere out there there is another heart like mine. And we WILL find each other!!! I know it! But until then... I just have to figure out how to save my heart until I find him. And how to live my life until I do. And that seems the hardest part. I don`t know how to be alone. I don`t think I am strong enough. Who am I alone?

santasmile... really?

2011-09-18T15:00:00.000-07:00

Hey there! It has been a really really long time since I`ve last written here anything. There have happened so many things in this period between then and now. It is almost incomprehensible how different things were then and how they are now. I have changed so much myself. I hate that it is so. I don`t like what I have become. Therefore the heading of the post - where has santasmile gone? Is she ever coming back? The old me... please come back ASAP. Maybe we can think about who I was before? I wanted to write a long description here but I decided not to, as I think if anyone is reading this - you must have known me before, when I was still the 'santasmile'. I don`t really want to think about how to name me now, but I guess when this is over - the name will come up by itself. The big question I am thinking about often is - why have I changed so much? And how much influence it has been from the people around me? Have I changed because of them or the other way around? Why the attitudes between people change so much? I think that the big changes in me started after meeting one person. He came into my life and showed me something beautiful - something I didn`t know I could receive and feel. But my attitude wasn`t very nice at the beginning. It was only later that my heart opened and I let him in my heart. I think he is the one guilty for making many of those changes in me. Even though I thought he made me better and stronger - the actual result is that it built my hopes up that I could receive more than I have had before. In fact - there have been two people to do the exact same thing and helped me to understand what I want in my life. But was that really help? That is the thought I have fought for for a long time. But I think I gave up on it. There are no fairy-tales in the world. I thought love is enough to live a happy and blessed life, but it is not enough. I think everyone else knows it but me. How come so? Why do everyone else think about themselves more than about their beloved ones? Is it right? I thought that is the real life - people loving the other with ALL the heart and all the guts they have. For me the beloved person is the reason to live to see the other happy, to see your family happy, to see friends around you happy. And I have always hoped that I will find a guy that thinks the same way and we could take care of each other - know the other so well, that every day would be an adventure full of life and love and trust and laugh. But it doesn`t happen like that. Not for me at least. That is what I have understood not so long ago. Now I think the love I described above is possible only in stories and fantasy. And that is the hardest thing I have had to understand in my whole life so far - to know that I will never be another persons reason to live but just an accessory to sometimes hug or kiss or have sex with - depending on the mood. For other people their life`s 'energizer' are their ambitions, their level of popularity, money or hunger for adventure - for me it has always been love and stability, and sense, that whatever I do - I will not stand alone. That became my motivation to do something, to risk and to fight - feeling and sense, that if I lose the fight or fail in a task - my man will stand beside me and protect me, guard me, support me, be proud of me, love me - no matter what. It was such a shock, when at the time I really needed that support, during and after the biggest fight in my life so far, my man just stood by, lived his own life, watched at my sufferings and did nothing. He said he didn`t know what to do and had no words to say. I still think that`s a bullshit! How can there be no words or no things to say or do, when you see your 'loved one' in such suffer? It knocked me down so much... The first big fall in my life and the only person I thought will support me - does not do anything to help. Have I really been so naive all the years I`ve spent with him? Living with a person that doesn`t know what to do when the other one feels broken? We all feel like that sometimes, don`t we? If not recently, there have been moments in your life when you cannot be on your own. When you need the shoulder to cry on and to hear the supporting words of the other person. At least I needed that. I think if he had such a time - I would break my bones to see smile on his face again. The smile that brings me so much joy. I would not sleep at nights if I knew he suffers. Is it really too much asked to hope that I will be loved like that one day too? If there is anyone reading this at the moment, I know you think something like - stupid, little, naive girl... if he doesn`t love you the you want - he is not right one for you. - BUT I say - how can I love him so much, if he is not the right one for me? How can I feel that he is, how can I give whole myself to him, if I think this is not going to last forever? If you, reader, know me at all - tell me - am I really that naive to give my heart away to every man that tells me he likes me? I do not know answer to that. All I know is that at the moment I don`t know what to do with my life. I thought it is all based on love and trust, but the ground is not steady now. And I cannot risk and fight in my life now, because I don`t know if there is going to be anyone at all to support me or stand with me.The thing I fear the most in life is to stand alone and have no one to wish a goodnight before going to sleep. That is all.

SPRING

2010-03-30T02:31:00.000-07:00

So guess what? Spring is already here in Danmark!!! The sky is clear almost all the time and the sun is giving us its warmth and letting us enjoy the outside! Oh, I was waiting for this for a very long time... :) Lately I am going to the beach just nearby more often than before - I really enjoy the calmness I get from the sea and swans and ducks and gulls swimming there all the time are so beautiful!

Other than that - I don`t think anything much has happened around here. I am in a very active job search now so please keep your fingers crossed all the time so that I can get some luck with that. The Copenhagen Post (you should have heard about it already before :) ) is spoiling me with free entrances to different places and events! Like I was participating in St.Patrics day parade a week ago and I will go this week to the Gospel concert and a Stand-up comedy evening! I am very much looking forward to all that!

But now I think I will go for a walk again - maybe to the sea as the weather is really fantastic today!

Happy Easter this week!

Santa :)

Curling and stuff

2010-02-20T06:42:00.000-08:00

So fashion week is over - I have now many cool environmental-friendly bags to go shopping with and I have more fun memories to remember :)

My one week holidays in college is now over. In this time I helped my friend to move and later we went to the movie Valentine`s day! The movie was nice although it still doesn`t beat one of my favourites - Love actually! :) But it was nice as well.

The other only thing I did in this week was following the Olympics, of course :) I am glad to announce that Latvia has already 2 silver medals!!!!!Pretty many for a small country like we are! AND we still have some options to get more medals :) So fingers are still crossed :)

And yesterday I had a whole new experience in supporting a sport! :D I was together with a bunch of Canadians to support Canada in CURLING - Canada vs. Denmark! So IT was fun! Now I know some rules about curling (who knows, maybe I will sturt to follow this amazing sport :P ), I met many new people, I really enjoyed the bar Tight (if you are in Copenhagen - you should deffinitelly visit that place ;) ) and I got an invitation to Dogenhagen - an event for dog-owners and dog-lovers! :) Sounds pretty awesome, right? :)

Still yours,
Santa =)

Long time - no see

2010-02-13T07:14:00.000-08:00

Hey-hey! From the last article already more than 3 months have passed! So I have to write something before it is too late :D

December
-) My Birthday :) My dear flatmates gave me the most funny hat in a shape of a Birthday cake with all the candles already in it - amazing :D My present to myself - New Moon movie in cinema :) I liked it.
-) Climate forum - you should have heard that in December there was the Global forum about climate - people around the world came to Copenhagen to talk about environmental issues and made plans how to reduce pollution. So I signed up for voluntary work in the Copenhagen Post which is a newspaper in Denmark in English. They made a special editon of the newspaper about the forum called Cop15 so I had to give them out to people in the main places of the forum. It was freezing cold but that is how I met my new international friends :) SO worth it!
-) Just a few days later my Kārlis came to me! It was sooooo good to finally see him after half a year! So we had an amazing time together - we walked all over the Copenhagen centre, went by the beach, saw Christiania, the Little Mermaid and went to a ballet. On Christmas we had a ery nice dinner in Christiania :D I guess for some it is hard to imagine celebrating Christmas in Christiania but it really WAS fun! We went there with some of my friends as well so we had a good company :) Also the New Year was fun - just for the midnight we ran through the whole Copenhagen centre to get to the Radhuspladsen (main square) to see the fireworks and then we went to the Dubliner to dance and have fun until 5 in 2010 already :)

January (2010)
Unfortunately Kārlis had to go back to Latvia in the very beginning of the New Year and I had my exams :( BUT immediatelly after exams my very best friend Dace came to visit me as well! So I showed her th city as well. We missed the Little Mermaid but that just means that she has to come back here again! :) We had great nights with water-pipe, music, movies. We talked our hearts out and, of course, we had a "girls night out" ! :) I HAD to show what is clubbing in Denmark :) After she left nothing else happened besides my studies.

February
-) But NOW it is just the time to tell about the Fashion week going on in Copenhagen! I already mentioned my friends from the Copenhagen Post thanks to whome I could get into the Copenhagen Fashion week events and see everything from inside as I had to distibute newspapers in there as well. So I got to see a REAL FASHION SHOW!!! It was really amazing! I loved it completely! Actually, it was just yesterday and I am still full with emotions about it :) It was also amazing to see the future fashion which we will see only in this summer and autumn! SOOOO coool!!!
-) And then it is only this night when the Opening of Winter Olympics 2010 took a place! OF COURSE I watched and didn`t sleep all night just for that! :) Now I am waiting for the first competition where Latvians will take a place so I can support them from here. Unfortunately I haven`t found any team-sport in this Olympics where Latvia will compete with Denmark, but I will keep my eyes open for that - promise ;) And OF COURSE if it happens, I will support my Latvians :)

I WILL try to keep up with updating it in the future as well!

Fingers crossed for Latvians in the Olympics!
Santa =)

.

2010-01-09T16:00:00.001-08:00

miss

New Year :)

2009-12-31T11:35:00.000-08:00

Happy for you! :)

week out

2009-10-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

So here I come with my week in Germany :) So I was there from October 11-18 or from Sunday to Sunday :) It was MARVELOUS!!! So here comes the shortcut of all of this...
Sunday - I was welcomed very nicely in the station by Sven and Steffanie and we had tasty Italian food :)
Monday - long walk in the forest (autumn makes forest look amazing - red, green and yellow colours make perfect mix :) ). After that a small excursion in IKEA :D
Tuesday - the idea was to go to the public swimming pool but I guess too many people had the same great idea so we turned around and rescheduled it for another day. Later that evening we had the Red Cross United meeting where we shared our memories and impressions about the summer camp and later - restaurant again. I love spending time with friends :)
Wednesday - HEIDE PARK with Sven and Daria!!!! Such a great day! Roller-coasters, attractions, speed, and the thingies where you can win huge teddy bears (don`t know the right word for it :D ). It all was SO FUN!!! And even more - I had some fun on the way there and back as well - for the first time I was in the car with a speed of 205 km/h !!!! Amazing, right? :D
Thursday - the plan was to go to the pharao of Egypt Tutanhamun museum in Hamburg but it was sold out for the day so we just had a nice walk in the city centre. After that - the public swimming pool - LOVED IT COMPLETELY! Awww... It has been a while since I swam the last time... Perfect... And the tubes, the jacuzzi, "wild river" (with unexpected holes in it :D )... Mmmmm... :)
Friday - LONG SLEEP, movies, and evening in Red Light district - perfect irish pub with perfect live music (rock`n`roll with Rockhouse Brothers - SO COOL). When I will have my own real rock`n`roll party - I hope they will be there as well :D
Saturday - again long sleep, then did nothing :D and then... evening... The surprise for me - excellent!!! I had no idea where I am going until I saw the name Planetarium on the building!!!! That was SO PERFECT!!!!!!!! I have never been to planetarium before and there... The whole show with the virtual trip to universe and the laser show together with it... It was unbelievable - I think the best ending of such a great trip I could ever imagine. After that - no sleep at night just some movies during the night.
And then - the Sunday already and I had to go back to Denmark.
The week off was amazing... Enjoyed every single day and every single thing. The biggest THANK YOU, Sven :)

So now I am back for a while already and now I have nothing special happening here - it`s raining, it`s cold and I have lots of studies to do.

See you soon!
Have a great day!
Santa :)

insight

2009-10-08T10:47:00.000-07:00

It gets colder here every single day!!! I`ve started to cheat some mornings by leaving my bike by the house and going to uni by metro, but I`m trying my hardest to behave - trust me :D

The last few days have been very very interesting for me!! I had a sea-food lunch with some Latvians, I met my Swedish friends and I was in a karaoke bar for the first time - LOVED IT!!! Next week has to be as awesome as this one as I am going to spend my free week of uni in Germany. I need to check if it`s still as awesome city as it was in my Red Cross United camp this summer! :D

Maybe any of you wants to come and visit me after the next week? I am still not an expert guide in CPH, but at least I know how to find the Little Mermaid - I can find even by not looking FOR it. :D Some days ago I went to school 3 hours earlier (addicted to school, huh? :D ) and decided to spend these hours on individual tour in the city. So by riding here and there I accidentally ran onto the Little Mermaid again :D I saw the Royal Guard exchange so I know how to show it to you as well. I can show my favourite karaoke bar or Irish pub if you wish. I still haven`t been to Tivoli (famous attraction park in CPH) so we can go there together one day. And the surroundings of my uni is always open for you as well. I know the best McDonalds here, kebabs, 7/11 and Chinese food places. I offer you the lodging as well - all you need to do is COME !!! :))

I wish a wonderful day :)

Hugs,
Santa :)

P.S. From October 11-18 I`m in Germany! See you later!!

Names` day!

2009-09-14T03:45:00.000-07:00

Good morning! It`s my Names` day today! :) This year it is certainly different than in other years but it`s a nice day anyway! Thank you mom and all the others from my sweet home about the present I got already some days ago. My mood is great today, the day will be longer here than usuall as I have more studies today.

Yesterday was my movie day - I finished watching the O.C. series. AMAZING series!!!! Loved it from the first till last episode :)

Oh-oh-oh-oh!!!! I forgot to tell you! A few days ago I was in a "sightseeing" tour with my schoolmates and I finally saw the Little Mermaid (she was really little :) ). And then we went for a walk in the city centre. When we were passing by the castle, where they are collecting royal treasures, there was a royal gueard standing in front of the castle. The first interesting thing I mentioned was that they did NOT stand still all the time - they moved their heads on sides and looked straight into peoples eyes. But the greatest thing was that one of the guards looked at me and WINKED AT ME! ;D At first I didn`t understand but then he did it again :D And later, when the guard was changing, he even waved at me with hand and smiled :D I never thought that a ROYAL GUARD can afford to act that way :D Well... Interesting experience for me... :)

COOL DANES! :D

I wish you very happy my Names day!
Forever yours -
Santa :)

Library :)

2009-09-09T09:40:00.000-07:00

I have always known that libraries can give me some advantages in every-day life!! :D So this time it gave me opportunity to run out of my apartment and write some new words here in my blog - ENJOY!

I feel really good here! The studies have begun, first homeworks have been given and the books are ordered in library. Of course the reading parts are no less than 18 pages long. Maximum for now has been 74(!!) pages! But it`s OK - I was ready for that when I came here :)

My day starts with a nice ride with a bike for 8km in one way to college. It`s sometimes a bit annoying and sometimes I REALLY wish that I would have a car but otherwise it`s just a healthy lifestyle and I feel comfortable with that. I`m glad that there hasn`t been any rain in the morning yet, `cause I don`t know what will I do if it rains. I think it`s not nice at all to go to school wet till toes!!! The college itself is nice as well :) It is a new building with a great security system.

Our lecturers are very nice as well. I like the style they are teaching - they try to involve all of us in the lecture by asking questions so that we can think along with the subject. My class is responding pretty well. There are some people who are very active in lessons and have opinions about everything and they already KNOW everything in lessons so sometimes I wonder why they even go to study here as they already know all this stuff but I guess they need some documentation or something. But I`m glad they are there - I have a chance to talk and meet many smart, intelligent and nice people.

So here is a short resumee - school - NICE!, people - friendly, apartment - small but cousy, job - don`t have any yet, but I`m working on it, Red Cross Youth - still waiting for an answer, volley-ball - haven`t looked for it yet, Danish language - haven`t started the studies yet, money - doing my best :)

Enjoy your morning/day/evening/night!!!

Truly yours - Santa :)

in here

2009-09-03T12:42:00.001-07:00

Hey, hey! I`m so SO SORRY for not writing here anything for so long! I don`t really have the access to the internet here so I have to be very careful about what to check and where to go in in the few minutes I can get daily in the internet. But I`ll try to behave in the future.

So about me here in Denmark - the first week was very (!!) interesting! Seriously! We had different activities to get to know with the class. we had the first project to present and everything went well. So people in my class are starting to get to know each other and it`s really fun. It looks like that after 2 years we will know MANY languages! :)

So in my class there are people from Denmark, Germany, Sweden, Macedonia, Bangladesh, China, Philipines, Russia, Pakistan, Spain, Cameroon, USA, Ukraine and me from Latvia. I GUESS that`s all, but probably I missed someone. There are also other people from other countries in other international classes. We are 3 international classes in Marketing management so there are very many people there.

This week was already the week for normal studies. The beginning looks quite easy as we have only one subject each day for 3 hours but it will change in one month. And soon we will have the first projects as well. Tomorrow I will have the INTROPARTY and will officially end the "get-to-know" period in school and the serious studies will start then.

Well, I think that`s all for this time.
Have a nice day!
Santa :)

the road to Denmark

2009-08-21T11:55:00.000-07:00

Hello, my dear ones!!! So I`m finally in Denmark! I can say - I TOLD YOU SO! :) But actually I had some doubts myself for a couple of times. Nevertheless I am now here. I thought that it could be much easier for me to write a blog so that anyone who is interested in my events and everyday life could just come here and see the main points and then talk with me only about some particular things, otherwise I would have to learn a text by heart and tell to each of you the same again and again and again and again and again and so on :D

So - my trip started on August 20 at 7:00 in the morning (Latvian time) and finished on August 21 at 12:30 in the day (Denmark time). Together it makes almost 30 hours (19 hours and 30 minutes :) ) so it means that the driver of the bus who drove us the whole way was really WRONG about the time in the trip. Nevertheless I met some Lithuanian students on the way and understood that Lithuanian and Latvian languages are quite similar to each other. :)

I drove here together with another Latvian girl (Laura). She is nice as well and I think we both are going to survive here.

You must remeber that I would LOVE to see you here in Denmark! I don`t think that it can be good to write my address in the blog so if you want to have a nice trip and meet me you can just ask me the address and we can figure it all out :)

My studies are starting on Septmeber 1 but the "get-to-know" week is starting already on Monday, August 24.

I hope you also have a nice time! Please talk to me about anything you want to talk!!!

I`ll be waiting for a sign from you as soon as possible otherwise it gets really boring and lonely here, so don`t be shy and write me!!!!

Totaly yours,
Santa :)